HSPs and the push-pull dilemma

I've been told that-- as HSPs go-- I am very "out there" and "visible."

Considering that I see myself as very much of an introvert (and the "I" in my Myers-Briggs INFJ is without question), it always surprises me a bit when people tell me this. When I dig around for an explanation, they point to my blogs and web sites, and the way I participate in events like the HSP Gatherings, and local HSP groups, and so forth.

It made me pause and reflect on the "push-pull" dilemma a lot of sensitives face. Most HSPs-- in their souls and essences-- are idealists with a strong drive to change the world and make life a better place, for all. The idea of "changing things," as well as the idea of connecting with their peers, appeals to them.

At the same time, most HSPs are introverts (70-75%) and many have issues with overstimulation from a lot of activity and interaction, if not with outright Social Anxiety. As such, being in the world can feel very daunting.

The above certainly the potential to set up some inner conflicts and paradoxes: We want to change the world, but to change the world we must get "out there" and "be seen," and "being seen" causes us to become overstimulated or anxious, so we instead end up "staying in," keeping all our grand ideas to ourselves, and gradually grow all depressed over not having changed the world.

Elaine Aron describes the plight of the HSS (High Sensation Seeker) HSP as being akin to driving with one foot on the brake and one foot on the gas-- there's a pull in opposite directions. An inner "I want to go, but I'm anxious about going" dynamic. The more I have learned about the trait, the more I believe there are elements of this dynamic that can be applied to all HSPs.

Of course, the whole idea of "Changing the World" can be a stumbling block, in and of itself. We can easily get stuck in what I call the "Cure-for-Cancer Syndrome." That is, we believe we must do something "important" in order for the world to benefit. Perhaps it's true that we tend to hear about "big" accomplishments-- however, the vast majority of change in the world occurs as a result of lots of people making lots of tiny changes that cumulatively have a huge effect on the greater good.

Getting back to the push-pull issue, the one thing we do have to do, in order to effectuate change in the world, is find ways in which we are willing to "be seen."

Now, my "being seen" may be quite different from your "being seen," but they have in common that we must find a way to get our ideas moved from "merely a concept inside our minds" to being "shared with others." This can be a considerable challenge for HSPs. Over the years I have met so many who have had wonderful things to contribute, but for whatever reasons (mostly relating to the fear of overstimulation and not wanting to be noticed by others) say "no, I can't do that" when asked to share with the world. Similarly, there are times when we have to "take our heart in our hands" and take that step required to get involved, in a local group, or going to self-improvement workshops, or attending an HSP Gathering.

If we don't, we run the risk of spending our lives eternally sitting on the fence, watching others live while we miss out.

TALK BACK: Are there things you "wish" you'd do, but feel held back because it would mean you were "seen?" Even small things, like contributing to an online forum, or starting a blog? Or larger things, like a social group you know you'd like, but can't bring yourself to go to? Or are you willingly and openly "out" there? If so, does this come naturally to you, or have you had to "train" yourself?

Please leave a comment!

Making a difference: Soft Clothing for HSPs

I don't typically use this platform to "promote" or otherwise endorse people or products, but every now and then something crosses my path that I see as having the potential to significantly improve or positively affect the lives of people I care about; people who are members of "my tribe" of fellow HSPs.

As highly sensitive people, many of us have sensitive skin, and many have experienced the irritation of "scratchy labels" and uncomfortable clothing. Some of you are parents with sensitive kids-- and perhaps struggle to find clothing they are happy wearing. Perhaps you have also have found it difficult to find comfortable clothing for yourself.

This morning, I got a note from an acquaintance with an idealistic spirit, AND something else. She has an IDEA for a fledgling business that I realized could be of considerable positive impact for HSPs: She is designing and starting a line of "soft clothing" SPECIFICALLY for people with sensitive skin. Although her intended niche market (to begin with) is children with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, and a range of skin sensitivities, this is also a series of products that would appeal directly to HSPs, and might eventually include lines for adults, as well.

As I read her idea, I was reminded of how "fussy" I was about clothing, as a kid. I "made" my mom cut all the labels out of my shirts. Of course, that happened under duress, but still.

The reason I am writing this is NOT because I am asking you to go BUY something. Jessica (whose idea this is) is part of a "seed money contest" sponsored by Advanta Banking Services. Basically, the idea with the most "thumbs up" votes wins the start-up capital for their idea.

We often talk about how it's "part of being an HSP" to want to change the world, and to make a difference. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could help an idea that clearly is "HSP-friendly" make it, in the greater world?

Here's an opportunity to do just that.

This is VERY short notice, I realize-- the current contest ends at midnight on December 31st, so we need to act NOW.

If you believe this sounds like a "worthy" idea, please take a couple of minutes to follow the link below and cast your vote for Jessica's idea to become a reality:

Vote at the "Idea Blob" site

The site will ask you to register before you can vote, which will take you all of 30 seconds. If you feel like adding an encouraging comment to her entry page as well, that would probably be appreciated, too.

To see Jessica's web site, and more about "Soft Clothing," go here:

http://www.softclothing.net/

Please take a moment to make a difference for an HSP-friendly idea!

Happy New Year!

Moving: The Perils of Non-planning

Not all plans are well-made.

This move was very well-planned, for the most part. Pretty much everything unfolded as it was meant to-- and I'd have to say that things have gone smoothly, as major moves go. And I have been part of quite a few major moves.

The part of the move that was not planned was the "what happens at the other end" part. That part was pretty much limited to a combination of "looking around and finding something, once there," and my deep-rooted belief that "The Universe Takes Care of it's Own." It's an approach that has worked for me most of my life, but not one I would recommend for most people, especially those who get nervous at the idea of not "being in control."

So I am sitting here, pondering whether it was a stupid move to come to a place with no greater plan than to just "look around and find something" in a new part of the country.

After some driving around (currently living in a school bus-converted-to-RV, and staying at state parks), I am now writing this from the small historic hamlet of Port Townsend, WA.

On some strange level, I have felt "drawn" to this town, for many years. On a similarly strange level, I find myself here, more or less purely based on a huge intuitive leap of faith. Based on a sense of "knowing" that I should be here, no more.

And, as it seems to be turning out, this hunch has been right on the money.

HSPs tend to be deeply intuitive people. Most HSPs tested by the Myers-Briggs sorter turn out to have preferences for the iNtuiting fucntion. I myself am an INFJ. Many of my HSP friends are INFJs and INFPs-- even though these types are quite rare, in the general population.

Some years ago, I attended one of the annual HSP Gatherings in California. One of the workshops offered was about intuition, and working with intuition. I think we often forget that our intuition is right, most of the time. Whereas we want to intuit our way to something, we tend to fall back on the "scientific method" used by greater society.

Sometimes you just have to listen to the little voice inside.

Because it tends to be right.

HSPs and Myers-Briggs Personality Types

I was excited to read that one of the things that very likely will be offered at the West Coast HSP Gathering is a chance to take the Myers-Briggs test, and have the results "interpreted" by Jacquelyn Strickland. I have already had the test administered twice (and came out INFJ, twice, although there was some debate on the "S" vs. "N" preference the first time) in the past 10 years, but it's the interpretation that interests me. And especially getting the interpretation done in a setting where there are likely to be "others like me." INFJs are quite rare, accounting for one about 1% of the population.

From my interaction/participation in HSP groups, I have periodically seen surveys done on personality type, within those groups. Of course, these have been pretty "informal" polls, and keep in ind that the number of people to respond to them might have been 200, or fewer. But still, the results have been quite "telling," at least for me...

MBTI types INFP and INFJ are the predominant types in the HSP community-- at least the online HSP communities. I can't, of course, speak to whether or not these distributions would hold for HSPs who do not use the Internet as a research, contact and participation tool. Anyway, by loose extrapolation of several polls (at different times) it seems that type INFP accounts for as many as 25-30% of online HSPs, while INFJ accounts for something on the order of 12-15%. This is certainly statistically significant, in so far as none of the other types account for more than maybe 5-6%.

It is also interesting that (to the small degree I have been able to gather this data) types INFP and INFJ predominate even more heavily in the Adult Indigo groups. It's almost a "requirement" to be an NF-type (Intuitive-Feeling) to be an Indigo.

I love the idea of being among people where these rare traits are "common" rather than an "oddity."

HSPs, Introversion and Meeting People

I am an INFJ, HSP, enneatype 9 and assorted other things that add up to my being not the most "social animal" in the world. In general, I'd say that I have relatively little interest in "group activities" with strangers, although I must confess that I very much enjoy the company of a close friend, on a one-on-one basis. You could say that I don't much like people in a "global" sense, but am very fond of people on a case-by-case basis.

Having said, it may surprise you to know that in my 10+ years of being online, I have met in excess of 100 people, face-to-face, whom I originally "met" through some kind of Internet connection. "How is that POSSIBLE?" you might ask. For starters, let's not forget that this adds up to only about 10 people a year, and many of them were met as part of a group. My point, however, is that 90+% of these encounters have been very positive and non-overwhelming experiences.

I have met an occasional introvert who didn't mind (and even liked) groups-- as long as the group interaction was of a finite period of time, and not too long. In certain circumstances-- which I'll get to-- I belong to that latter group. There's an interesting dynamic, when you get predominately introverts together in a group setting-- they'll find a "comfort zone" very quickly-- usually meaning that a group (for example) of 12 introverts will pair up into six one-on-one conversations-- maybe changing partners, now and then. 12 extraverts would be more likely to have one big free-for-all.

Of course, there are also extraverted HSPs-- but this entry is not about you. But I didn't want you to think that I thought all HSPs are introverts.

But back to how this introverted HSP could go about voluntarily meeting so many people.

There is no parallel in our daily lives that compares to what it is like to "meet" a group of people "you already know" from some kind of online connection. Meeting a group of people (HSPs, for example) you have been emailing with for 6 months or more is completely different from going to a support group (of strangers) you signed up for at the local health center. When you do meet in person, there is a strange camraderie I cannot really describe. Although you are meeting for the "first" time, these people are not "strangers;" and not only are they "not strangers," they are people (thanks to the strange sense of closeness this medium gives us) you have probably shared more openly of your life with than the majority of your "real" friends.

I have been to a total of 7 "group gatherings" which were based on some "common interest." All have been highly positive experiences; I have made some wonderful friends in the process. It seems to me that when you get together (as a group) around a "common bond" it doesn't feel like you're "in a group." It feels like you're in a supportive and non-judgmental meeting of dear friends.

Although I have only been to one "event" that was based on the HSP trait as the "common factor," this meeting of HSPs was no different. And Dr. Aron writes of the importance of HSPs making friends with other HSPs-- so the effort is well worth it.