HSPs and the Power of Saying "No"

Over the years, I have written a number of posts here, about various aspects of "boundary setting," as it relates specifically to HSPs.

As a group of people, HSPs probably have more issues with poorly defined (or completely lacking) personal boundaries than the population at large. One of the great challenges for the HSP is using the word "no." Of course, many non-HSPs also struggle with saying no, and with a sense of "guilt" when they do say no.

"No" is a simple little word, and yet it's extremely powerful in terms of helping us establish personal boundaries, keep our sanity, and prevent us from becoming horribly overwhelmed by the "stuff of life."

So why are we so afraid to use it?

Based on talking to hundreds of HSPs over the past decade, the underlying reasons and rationalizations are many and varied. Perhaps you know some of them.

Top of the list is the basic fear that people won't like us (or won't love us) if we tell them no. Someone comes to us with some kind of request or problem... and some small (and sometimes LARGE) demon on our shoulder tells us we can't say no, even though we already have 372 things to accomplish during the coming week. Ultimately, this is a self-esteem issue-- the core fear being that we (falsely) perceive that we're only lovable as human DOINGS not as human BEINGS, and that our friends, family and other acquaintances will reject us, unless we do their bidding.

The irony of the above scenario is that it often contains an element of truth: Those who are overly accommodating often draw to themselves people who are looking for a free ride... people who will, indeed, "reject us," should we sudenly not serve their needs, at all times. And so, part of the challenge becomes to step back and ask ourselves if we really want these people in our lives.

This "fear of rejection" can be especially strong in family situations where the choice "to end the relationship" is off the table. Perhaps we are taught to "obey our parents" and so we perceive it unthinkable to say "no" when they "tell" us we should become a lawyer, when we really want to be an artist. Conversely, parents may fear their children will "reject" them for saying "no," in any number of scenarios. And yet... unless the child learns to say no, they will grow up to question nothing in life; if the parent never says no, the child remains "a child" and eternally dependent.

Another common reason HSPs don't say "no" has to do with the fact that we are often highly capable, conscientious and responsible individuals. Because we tend to introspect and have an interest in self-development and learning, we're often more educated and better informed than many. In the simplest terms, we often are "the best person for the job" when something comes up.

A few years ago, I led a small workgroup on "HSPs and work" at an HSP retreat. As I recall, there were nine people in our group... and an interesting commonality we uncovered was that every single one of us had repeatedly found ourselves in the position of being "manager, by default." That is, some project came along, and even though we had NO interest in leading it and were basically minding our own business, we somehow ended up as "the person in charge." Someone said (for example) "You know, Peter knows more about this stuff than ANYone else here-- HE should really lead the project."

Sometimes these situations unfold subtly and indirectly... nobody actually forces us. We look at something and decide/realize that it will "never get done" unless we take it on... and next thing we know, a simple desire to "help out a bit" has resulted in our becoming "in charge of everything." Either way, we forget to back away and consider the possibility that it is simply not our job to be in charge of something, simply because we happen to be "the best" at it. And if someone pushes the leadership baton towards us, we are within our rights to say "no thank you."

Loosely tied to the above is a general fear or avoidance of confrontation, common in HSPs. Many of us don't like to "cause waves" or "stir the pot," and we are generally extremely sensitive to causing others discomfort and annoyance. And so, rather than standing our ground and saying no, we go along with the flow... often to our detriment.

Something else I've frequently come across, in talking to HSPs, is that we have a tendency to obsess a bit, about "what others are thinking of us." Although we may not like to look at this less-than-pretty aspect of our HSP-ness, we often have an ego attachment to what others think of us. Specifically, we develop a self-image as "helpful" and/or "nice people." And then we project onto this reality that "nice people don't say no, when asked to help."

Of course, being able to set boundaries and say "no" has little to do with being nice, and a lot to do with unhealthy co-dependency.

"No" is a standalone word. It doesn't need to be extensively "window dressed" with rationalizations, explanations, excuses and justifications. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn... and from the people I've spoken to about this topic, I am not alone. Even when we DO use the word "no," our tendency is to provide all this excess "wrapping" in order to feel less guilty about turning someone down.

Some person we don't really like says "I'm having a party next week, can you come?" and we go off on a really long song and dance about all the things we need to get done, and visiting our parents out-of-town the day before, and getting in late, and... and... maybe we end up at a non-committal "Well, I'll TRY to come," even though we know perfectly well that we have no intention of going.

Seriously? There is no such thing as "trying" to go to a party. What is going to happen? "Well, I was driving down the street to your house, but every time I got the the four-way stop, my car mysteriously kept turning left all by itself, and just couldn't get all the way down the street. I tried fourteen times, before I gave up and went home. Sorry."

All that's needed is a neutral "No, I won't be able to come."

Some might tell me "but they'll ask WHY!"

The follow-up would be "I'm really not comfortably discussing that."

Some person asks you to help them with computer troubles, and you already don't know how you're going to make it through the week. Maybe they are a good friend... but you must prioritize. Again, the song and dance of the 100 reasons why you're busy is not necessary.

A simple "No, I'm really busy this week" will suffice.

"But then my project will be late!"

Whereas that may be true, it's not your responsibility, because it is not your project. If it's an extreme priority for them, they CAN call "Nerds to Go," or someone else who fixes computers for a living.

In these cases, the "boundary issue" is also about assuming responsibility for the outcome of someone else's life. That may be appropriate if we have children, or the person in question is working for us and their outcome does affect our life. But otherwise? Not so much.

As a business consultant, writer and newsletter creator/editor some years back, one of the issues I had to deal with was no longer doing the extensive "pro bono" work I was doing for friends, and "barely friends." I'd get asked (constantly!) if I could create a newsletter for someone's business or organization, or give them advice on starting their own business. Asking your friends for a free consult is akin to asking the doctor you befriend at the dinner party if she'll examine the wart in your ear, over cocktails.

Now, I'm not someone who's just going to coldly "blow off" my friends. So I had to develop a compromise. What I eventually settled on was recognizing my friends who asked for advice as "special," by inviting them to set up an appointment, and giving them 50% off my normal rates for an initial consult... and then offered a "sliding scale" rate (but NEVER less than 50% off) if they wanted to have follow-up advice/work done. It made THEM feel like I cared, and ME feel like I was still getting paid... and it mostly allowed me to skirt the "outright no" issue.

Whereas "no" tends to be a very definitive and clear-cut word, it doesn't have to be "absolute." We can always choose to create a situation based around "mostly no, but with conditions."

"No" is a very important word, especially for HSPs. It helps us establish boundaries, and it also helps us "map" our priorities. As long as we never say no, everything ends up having equal priority, no matter what we think.

As I close this out, it occurs to me that I ought to address the fact that learning to say "no" (and standing by our no's) is not easy. It may feel wrong to you, for a while. You may feel like your self-image is being challenged. You may feel shaky and anxious, the first few times you tell that pushy co-worker that no, you will NOT file their report, as well as their own, because they want to leave early for happy hour. You may get your feelings hurt when certain people decide they no longer want to be your friend. Then you may get your feelings hurt a second time, when you realize that those same "friends" only were hanging around to "get your free stuff."

As a final side note, I'd like to add that it often holds true that the most rewarding relationships we have, with emotionally healthy people tend to be the result of having healthy boundaries, not the result of indiscriminately agreeing to what everyone else wants us to be, do, or say.

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Talk Back: Do you have a difficult time saying no? Do you often find that you are carrying other people's workload, because you set inadequate boundaries? DO you often feel like your "good nature" is being taken advantage of? Are you afraid that "people won't love you" if you say no? Or they'll think you're a "bad person?" Alternately, have you successfully learned to set healthy boundaries? Please share your experiences and leave a comment!

Moments and Insights That Change Us

I've been away for a couple of weeks, and have been pondering long and hard where to resume my writing. It's not "writer's block" that's the issue, it's "too many ideas syndrome."

Being on holiday allows for an interesting break of state. We "step out of the loop" of our daily grind, and stop running for long enough to stand back and observe ourselves. And we can see things we don't see, while we're trapped in our busy-ness. Sometimes, we can see the "current me;" sometimes we gain insights into specific moments and insights that allow us to realize "Oh! That's how I got here...."

Change-- that is, the kind of real change that shifts the course of our lives-- often happens in a moment. Someone says something that changes our course, and even though we may go through years of what feels like "gradual" changes, we suddenly realize that we can point back to a moment, an event, a conversation, and recognize "Yeah. That's when everything changed course."

HSPs are "deep processors." That can be both a blessing and curse. It's a blessing in the sense that we tend to examine our lives and pursue personal development, rather than glide through our days on oblivious cruise control. The "curse" aspect lies in our knack for inadvertently getting stuck in analysis paralysis... or, worse, getting stuck in "specific events," without moving on from them.

Some 15+ years ago, I found myself in therapy, trying to parse and process what I'd call an "unfortunate" marriage. Although I was ostensibly in therapy for the purpose of processing the relationship, I was really there to process my life... which had been a rather unfortunate assemblage of attempts to fit into the mainstream of life.

I was brought up to "be a certain way," which largely had to do with being "normal." I won't get into a long analysis of what "normal" means; suffice it to say that I am not normal, for many reasons not relating to sensitivity. Point being, my life felt a bit like I was 5'4" tall and trying to play professional basketball.

Anyway, one day I was going about my usual lamentations about how this, that and the other felt "off," and how this person and that (and not even my soon-to-be-ex) seemed to be making life difficult and miserable for me, and how tired I was of carrying everyone else's burdens and wiping everyone else's metaphorical rear ends whenever they mess up something. Kathleen-- who was an excellent therapist, and probably an HSP herself (this was before Elaine Aron's first book)-- held up her hand and said "Can I stop you for a moment...."

So I stopped.

Then she said "Let me ask you something. Who would you BE, if you didn't have all this chaos and turmoil around you? Who would you BE, if you didn't feel compelled to take care of all these dysfunctional people's problems? Who would you BE, if you could just be YOURSELF?"

At the time, I didn't have an answer. As I recall, I said something non-committal... perhaps "That's complicated, I'll have to think about it," or "Can I answer that as homework?" And then we continued with the session.

However, a seed was planted.

Sometimes we get stuck in our paradigms. We end up repeatedly and relentlessly choosing the very things we claim we want to not have in our lives-- chaos, poverty, unhappiness, abandonment, disconnection, even abuse. Even if we feel vaguely aware that something "isn't quite right," we often feel powerless to change things... and we'll even make active excuses like "But I have no CHOICE!"

It was some years before the deeper implications of Kathleen's questions hit home for me. During the years leading to that particular therapy session (and for some years after) it was my core (albeit false) belief that my only "value" in life came from what I could DO to keep (pardon the bluntness) "deeply messed up people" from completely falling apart. In other words, I felt that I had no value, simply being myself.

And so... I kept making choices that made me feel like I had "value," even though those choices were misguided, and made me feel bad about myself. It wasn't that I didn't recognize "healthy" people-- but somehow they seemed either "less interesting," OR I simply didn't think they'd be interested in me, since they didn't need me to be "of value" (as I perceived "value") to them.

"Blind spots" can be very hard to discover. However, unless we find them, we can end up in a painful pattern... and not even understand why, no matter how much self-analysis we may engage in.

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Talk Back: Do you have moments in your life that changed your direction? Did you realize it at the time, or was it years later, when you realized that something said/happened changed your path completely? Did you escape from a painful pattern, as a result? OR... do you find yourself stuck in a pattern that just doesn't make sense? Share your experiences-- leave a comment!

The Pitfalls of Expectations

Although "getting one's feelings hurt" is only a part of high sensitivity, HSPs do tend to get their feelings hurt rather more often than most people.

This is perhaps not the news you want to hear, but sometimes it really seems like we “set ourselves up” for suffering by having all sorts of expectations about others, or events, or activities… which then fail to live up to what we'd hoped for. And if you tend to be idealistic by nature, then these disappointments can hit quite hard.

In an HSP web group I belong to, someone was recently lamenting how people “never write back” in response to emails, or fail to write a long detailed letter in response to a long original letter. Of course, “never” is a rather strong term… but many of us are probably familiar with the situation where we spend a couple of hours pouring ourselves into some long exploration of a topic close to our hearts, click the "send" button, it goes to a friend… and two days later, we get back a “two-liner,” nine words in total:

"Wow. Cool idea. Pretty deep. See you next Thursday."

And our feelings are hurt, because we didn't get a response “in kind.” Nine words, not a two thousand word essay.

I know many who'd think "I poured myself into sharing EVERYthing with you, and you HURT me by not sharing everything with ME!".

But where is the problem, REALLY? I'll be the first to admit that “one-way communication” is no fun… but at the same time, sending a three page letter with the expectation of getting the same thing back? That's a recipe for disaster, disappointment and hurt feelings.

Some might not like to hear this, but when you expect someone to respond a certain way when you do something, you're essentially “giving to get.” When we send the long letter we wrote and invest ourselves in getting a long reply, we're no longer “just sharing,” we are making a subtle “demand” that someone reciprocate in kind. In my experience, such “solicited reciprocity” just never seems to work. It has the same “insincere” feeling as the dreaded “demanded apology.” You know, that situation where someone declares ”I DEMAND that you apologize to me!” and the result is a snide and insincere ”I'm soooorry.”

Reciprocity is a beautiful thing, and perhaps something we all would like to experience in our interactions-- but (like Love) reciprocity "works" when it is freely given, but not when it becomes a demand, or expectation.

Letting go of expectations is not an easy thing. It has taken me many years to learn to “simply do,” and let things be. Sometimes I have to "pause and check," and ask myself WHY I am doing something-- and not just when I am emailing. I ask myself "Am I doing this because it is the RIGHT thing to do, or because I am trying to GET something?" If the latter is present, I step back and examine my motivations... and consider what I can do for myself, rather than putting the onus on someone else to fill what seems like a "space" inside me, in need of filling.

Of course, not all situations are the same. Sometimes we're simply exuberant about something, and the person we share with simply isn't interested. Or they are busy. Or in crisis. Or depressed. And what we experience (as hurt feelings, ultimately) is the distress of "disconnect," and it didn't have much to do with "giving to get;" merely with a lack of common ground.

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TALK BACK: Do you find yourself getting hurt feelings, because people don't “give back” as you expected? Are you guilty of doing things in order to "get something" back? Do you become deeply "invested" in how someone else responds-- to a letter, to something you do? Can you “back away” and recognize that it's sometimes YOUR expectations, rather than THEIR lack of response that might be the issue? Leave a comment!

HSPs and "Changing the World"

When I find myself with a group of HSPs, one of the common topics seems to be about how we can "change the world."

Perhaps it is true of everyone that they want to change the world (in SOME way), but it seems like HSPs ponder these issues more, and more often are anchored in the sense of idealism also common to "NF" Myers-Briggs types. For many, "changing the world" is more of a compulsion, than just an interest.

I've previously written about the issue of changing the world as being an issue so large it overwhelms us, and we get stuck. But there's more to changing the world than merely directing our energies at "bite sizes" we're capable of handling. I'm talking about "the how."

Not all HSPs (in fact, relatively few) are what I'd characterize as "aggressive activists." In fact, even those who very much want to change the world have certain hesitations, and even (sometimes secretly) confess to me that they are "slightly offended" by way "out there" activism like picketing, staging protests, spray painting fur coats, chaining themselves to bulldozers and so on. We'd really like the end result, but getting there through (almost) "violent" means is often unappealing. So we get a bit stuck there... perhaps saying "I don't have the aggressive nature to do that," yet concerned that "nothing will change" unless we make some kind of major statement to the world.

Another issue that comes up occasionally is that of "principles." Sometimes people get "stuck" behind their principles. Maybe they are dedicated vegans who won't even TALK to meat eaters ("on principle")-- yet, unless they talk to said meat eaters, they cannot hope to change their ways. Maybe they consider such things as Facebook and twitter "selling out" to large corporate entities... but find it hard going to work AGAINST the system for change, rather than WITH the system for change.

Personally, I've never been much of an "activist." In fact I'm one of the ones of the mindset that many ostensible activists annoy the hell out of me because they take this very strident approach... which inadvertently portrays them negatively... and so they may have a super important message, but their presentation gets them dismissed as "freaks" and "fringe dwellers." In short, their methodology overshadows their message.

I believe one of the core necessities for greater long-term change in the world is "balance." From where I am sitting-- I believe we must be "opportunistic" as well as "idealistic;" that is, we must be willing to "use the system" and "their tools" to spread the word about our message and our values. Hence, I work with "mainstream" venues like Blogger (which is part of google), Facebook and twitter to inform people about sensitivity as a biological trait.

Of course, everyone has their own approach. My experience has been (regardless of whether you're talking to other HSPs, or the world at large) that connecting across similarities and "infiltrating from within" typically results in more lasting change than causing a ruckus with a few loud noises.

For example-- on a more personal level-- I don't carry an "I'm an HSP!" banner around, trying to "beat" the trait into people's heads. Truthfully, I have connected with and "informed" more unaware HSPs by simply leaving "The Highly Sensitive Person" out in a visible place... if a dialogue ensues (Them: "What's that you're reading?" Me: "Oh, it's a very interesting book about sensitivity as an innate biological trait. Turns out that a lot of people are simply wired to be sensitive." And then we're sometimes "off to the races." And sometimes not.), then maybe there's something there to explore further. Most people (HSP, or otherwise) respond better to invitations to subtle self-discovery, than to being beaten over the head.

Of course, that's just my opinion! Your mileage may vary....

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Talk Back: Do you find yourself wanting to help change the world, but get stuck? Are you more inclined towards "aggressive activism," or "subtle influence from within?" Do you have strong principles that sometimes "get in the way" of your desire to change things? Share your experiences-- leave a comment!

Tribe Magazine and Community for HSPs

In 1996, Elaine Aron published her book "The Highly Sensitive Person" and since then hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of people have learned that there is a "name" for these odd feelings we've always had, and that that this "thing" we feel isn't some "illness," or "mental disorder," but a natural and innate biological trait.

Our journeys to understanding and healing (as HSPs and human beings) may have taken many different forms-- for most of us there has been much learning, along with a sense of relief at knowing that "we are not alone," and nothing has to be "fixed."

In 1996, there was not much information available about High Sensitivity... slowly, a few web sites and forums sprung up; eventually the trait got better known, mostly by word-of-mouth. In 2001, the first HSP Gathering took place... and for many who attended, it was like meeting their "tribe" for the first time. Now it is October 2009, and we stand at the threshold of the NEXT stage of HSP awareness-- if you don't already know this, the inaugural issue of "Tribe" magazine has just been issued.

What is "Tribe?"

"Tribe" is a quarterly magazine for HSPs, about HSPs (and HSP issues), created and HSPs. But it is not only a magazine, it's also a global online community-- a community that not only connects online, but also creates the written bycontent of the magazine: Articles, personal essays, short fiction, poetry, photography, art and more. In other words, it offers HSPs everywhere a "voice;" a space in which to share their creativity.

No, I don't work for "Tribe" (even if this sounds a bit like a promotional announcement), I just think it's a brilliant idea whose time has come-- as one of the "oldies" who has been part on the global online HSP community since 1997... there was nothing like this, when I first tried to learn about sensitivity as a trait. We've come a long way. We still have a long way to go. "Tribe" is a REALLY IMPORTANT next step, in getting Sensitives everywhere "seen" in the world-- not as "a bunch of flakes," but as creative, beautiful individuals with something valuable to contribute to the world.

SO... here's what I encourage all you folks out in HSP Blog Land to DO (Yes, I'm asking you to DO something, and be "Active Agents" in the HSP Community!) :

Go check out the site; read the magazine (online version, OR you can buy a paper copy), then join the their forum... this is the place where you get to add your articles, stories, photography, poetry and other creative endeavors.

If you have a StumbleUpon account, add the sites linked to below to your SU favorites; write a brief review, even.

If you have a web site and/or blog with "HSP content," why not add a link, and a brief blurb?

If you twitter, tweet it. If you're on Facebook, add a link as a status update. If you're a member of one of the numerous HSP forums around the www, tell people about it.

Don't just SIT there! SPREAD THE WORD!

Consider this: Your support helps THEM give YOU a voice, as an HSP... so by taking action, you're really helping YOURSELF, in the long run.

Here are the links (all open in a new tab):

"Tribe" home page

"Tribe" Community forum

"Tribe" magazine (online version/to order a printed copy)

Just DO it! It's only a few minutes of your life....